Butters Wonderful Life of DOOM
by MooseyDoom777
Summary: The whole town is acting crazy, except for Butters! What could be wrong? Slash! StanKyle, CraigTweek, KennyButters, CartmanIke, PipDamien, and many more!
1. Something is very wrong here

Pointless Noize: Yes, I have written a psychotic, fucked up slash fic, and it's "R" or "M" or whatever, because of the boys are all a bunch of perverts, and because of their filthy fucking mouths. It's based off of the Invader Zim episode "Dib's Wonderful Life of DOOM". I am _so_ gonna get flamed for this….

NOTE: Bagatelle had the great idea for the Craig/Tweek pairing. Worship her. Better yet, read "Under My Bed" and REVIEW. It's an awesome story.

ANOTHER NOTE: The little line things separate what's going on in certain areas of the bus. Just thought you might like to know.

YET ANOTHER NOTE: Ike's in the ninth grade with them because he's just so freaking smart. Okay?

Disclaimer: Nope. I don't own South Park, or anything else I might mention in this…thing…that I'm responsible for bringing into the world.

* * *

"Stan…I want you," Kyle slurred. Stan closed his eyes half way and gave him a seductive smile.

"Yes, and I want you." Instantly, Kyle lunged at Stan and the two began kissing as if it was their last day on Earth. No one on the school bus seemed to notice the teens; they were all acting a bit…strange. Everyone except Butters, that is.

Butters turned his head around and watched the boys French for a few more minutes, then he turned his attention to his other peers.

Wendy was crawling on the floor, screaming that her tampon fell out (Butters didn't want to ask how the Hell that happened), and Bebe was gnawing on her arm, wearing not the usual pink skirt and shirt she wore, but instead a more gothic outfit; black, baggy jeans and a black, baggy shirt with neon green stripes, and she had neon green fingernails and a neon green choker. Very odd for Bebe.

Craig was giving Tweek a hand job, and Cartman was trying to pry Ike off of him. And, as Butters looked carefully, Pip and Damien were going at it, too. Butters continued watching his peers, until he felt a hand grip his thigh. He squeaked and fell back, right into the arms of his offender.

He blinked, looking up, and was greeted by the smiling face of Kenny McKormick. Kenny was grinning down at him, and Butters could feel his arms tightening their grip around him. Kenny pulled him back and began stroking his hair.

"Hey Butters…" he purred.

"H-hey, Kenny." Butters tried getting up, but he was quickly pulled back down into Kenny's lap. Okay, this was getting weird.

"Aw, don't leave so soon." Butters gulped. This was going to be a long bus ride…

* * *

Stan flipped Kyle over so he was on top. He quickly ripped off Kyle's jacket and shirt, and started licking his stomach. He giggled, and playfully slapped Stan. They continued their…activities, until a noise distracted Kyle. It was Ike.

"OW! Eric, please don't hit me."

"THEN GET THE FUCK OFF ME, CANADIAN-JEW!"

"What the fuck is going on over there?" asked a very confused Kyle.

"Who cares?" Stan said distractedly, grabbing Kyle around the middle and pulling him down. Kyle just slapped him away and peered over his seat, looking down upon Cartman and Ike.

The site that greeted his eyes was not quite what he expected. Ike was sitting on Cartman's backside, hugging him around the middle. But since Cartman's middle was so large he was actually slipping off. Cartman didn't look too pleased with the situation, and was apparently trying to fling Ike off. The little guy was tough, though, and he was holding on.

"IKE!" cried Kyle. Stan pointed and laughed.

"Whoa, Cartman, who's your boyfriend?"

"FUCK OFF, HIPPIE!" screamed an enraged Cartman. Ike smiled happily and rubbed his face against Cartman, causing the aforementioned boy to blush furiously.

"GET…OFF…NOW!" Cartman shrieked.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, FAT-BOY! PIP AND I ARE SHARING A ROMANTIC MOMENT!" roared the voice of Damien Thorn from the front of the bus.

"SAME FOR TWEEKER AND ME," yelled Craig. "SO IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP I'LL HAFTA KICK YOUR ASS!"

The threat of physical harm shut Cartman up instantly, much to the joy of the small Canadian clinging to his backside.

Kyle was still in shock as to why the Hell Ike would like Cartman. Cartman! Oh well, at least Cartman didn't like him back. Hopefully…

Stan pulled on Kyle's shirt and gave him an adorable puppy-dog face. Kyle sighed, and they resumed their make-out session. Maybe today won't be so bad after all, he thought.

* * *

Craig frowned, rubbing his ears in pain. Damn, that little bastard could scream. Tweek cocked his head, concern filling his eyes.

"Craig? Are you okay?" Then, twitching, Tweek had one of his infamous panic attacks. "OH GOD! IS YOUR EAR BLEEDING! ARE YOU GOING DEAF! STAND BACK, I KNOW C.P.R.! GAH!" Craig waved his hand dismissively, laughing at Tweek's lack of common sense. It was _so_ cute.

"I'm alright, Tweek, seriously."

Tweek stopped screaming and glanced at Craig. "R-really?"

"Yep. Now, let's get back to business…"

Tweek grinned. He wasn't worried about Craig's health anymore…

* * *

Pip blushed as Damien stopped yelling at Cartman. "You didn't have to tell them that, you know."

Damien wrapped an arm protectively around Pip's shoulder. "Yeah, but he was spoiling the mood." Pip blushed an even darker shade of red as he snuggled up to Damien.

"I suppose. Now, where were we?" Pip asked deviously. Damien smirked.

"We were right about here." He grabbed Pip's lower region, causing the Brit to squeak and jump up.

"D-Damien! What the Devil are you doing!"

"Oh, nothing. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy."

* * *

Butters sat quietly as Kenny continued stroking his hair, humming a little song. He had stopped trying to fight him off; Kenny was much too strong. Instead, he chose to enjoy the attention he was receiving. It's not often he felt important to someone. It was even _less_ often, well, never really, that he was romantically involved with someone.

Come to think of it, it was not often in South Park that _anyone_ was romantically involved. Stan and Wendy were the only real couple, and everyone else just had crushes. And half of the students on the bus were apparently, judging from the scene around him, gay or bi, which came as a shock to Butters. Except a few of them. He always thought Pip and Kyle were. And Eric was always acting like a fag. And—

His musings were cut short as the bus slammed to a halt in front of South Park High School. Butters could hear his classmates yelling as their "activities" were interrupted as well.

"OW! CRAIG, DON'T PULL SO **HARD**!"

"WELL SOR-RY! IT'S NOT MY FAULT THE BUS STOPPED!"

"STAN, GET YOUR HAND OUTTA THERE!"

"Why?"

"OOH, CARTMAN!"

"AHHHHHH! NONONONONONONONONONONO!"

"DAMIEN, YOU'RE CRUSHING MY SPINE! PLEASE GET OFF!"

"FIRST GET YOUR KNEE OUT OF MY, WELL, YOU KNOW!"

Kenny, being the only one sitting down, was unharmed. So he jumped up, dragging Butters by the hand, and they exited the bus with their fellow ninth graders. As Kenny dragged Butters through the hallways, all Buttes could think was, "This is gonna be a _looong_ day…"

* * *

Review if you want me to continue. Oh, and if you're reviewing because I owe you money, you'll get it...eventually. 


	2. Reading minds is fun

Pointless Noize: You guys really like it:Sniff: Aww, thanks. Oh, and I do have a PLOT planned, which you'll figure out in this chapter. Hopefully. Anywho, let the reading commence!

Disclaimer: If I owned South Park, I would be a happy little android. But I do not, so I am sad. :Sob:

* * *

School that day was strange, to say the least. Everyone was acting so different! Even _during_ school, so Butters knew it wasn't just some morning thing.

He had math first with Mr. Hills, and he felt himself not focusing on the lesson. Instead, he was watching his classmates. They were still acting very strange, and he wasn't sure why. But by golly, he would find out. Butters leaned his chin on his hand, and wondered what everyone else was thinking.

Ike's POV 

I'm trying to take notes but I just can't! Not with Cartman sitting in front of me. I don't even know how he got into advanced calculus; I know I'm young but even I'm smart enough to get moved up to this level! What's Cartman doing? He's…he's talking to Kyle! Why that little slut! I wish I could yell at that slutty brother of mine, but I don't want to risk a detention.

Kyle just slapped Cartman! And now he's yelling at him! Yes! Cartman isn't cheating on me! Not that we're going out. I wish we were! That would be so cool. Cartman…Whoa, listen to Kyle! He's in _so_ much trouble! Hahahahaha!

Cartman's POV 

What a stupid Jew! No, a stupid Canadian Jew! I can't believe he likes me! Ugh! What did I do to deserve this! Hm…what's Kyle doing? Writing a love note to Stan, perhaps? Let's see.

I lean over and whisper into Kyle's ear, "Are you drawing Stan a naked picture? Make sure you add a nice long- -"

Kyle slaps my face and leaves a huge red mark. Now he's yelling at me. Damn, I hope he gets that sand outta his vagina! Heh, that's still funny. Fuck, is he still yelling? God Kyle, get over it already. Whoa, here comes Mr. Hills! Kyle's gonna get it now…

Kyle's POV 

_Stan,_

_What the fuck happened! Everyone's acting so…strange! I mean, we were rolling around on the floor for Christ's sake! And since when has Kenny liked Butters? I think I know how all of this started. Remember on Saturday when- -_

I stop writing as I notice Cartman leaning over. The fat fuck must want to talk to me. Damn. He's whispering something in my ear.

"Are you drawing Stan a naked picture? Make sure you add a nice long- -"

THWACK! I slap him across the face and I can feel my face getting hot. What a dumbass! If I was going to draw a naked picture, I would hide it so no one but Stan would see! Not that I've thought about it or anything. Now I start screaming nonsense at Cartman. Basically, I say this:

_"YOU ARE **SUCH **A PERVART, CARTMAN! WHY THE HELL WOULD I DRAW STAN NAKED PICTURES! HE'S NOT LIKE THAT! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU! HMMM!"_

"MR. BROFLOVSKI!" Mr. Hills shouts. Oops.

Stan's POV

I wish Kyle would finish that note already! What's taking him so long? Oh well, I'll forgive him, since he is such a cute little guy. I love the way his hair falls in his face when he writes. It's just so…adorable…

GAH! What am I thinking! Kyle's my best friend! Why would I find him adorable? And why the Hell did we make out on the bus this morning? This is really very odd. I've never felt this way about anyone before, not even Wendy, and she's my girlfriend! There's just something about Kyle…

What the Hell is Cartman doing? Probably making some Jew joke. He's whispering something to Kyle, and…Dude! Cartman's just been bitch-slapped! Sweet! Now Kyle's yelling. God, he has such a hot voice. Uh-oh, Mr. Hills is watching him. Kyle, shut up! You stupid--Wait, did he just say naked picture? What the fuck!

Back to normal

"REFERRAL, MR. BROFLOVSKI!" Kyle's face turned white. He had never gotten a referral before! What would his mother say?

"W-what?" he stuttered. Mr. Hills glared.

"You heard me. I do not need talk of naked pictures disrupting my class." Kenny's head perked up.

"Naked pictures? Of who?" he asked excitedly. Mr. Hills glared again as the class burst out laughing.

"Mr. McKormick, please refrain from doing that."

"Gotcha."

"Don't use that tone of voice!"

"What tone of voice, sir?"

"THAT tone of voice!"

"Do I still get a referral?"

"YES!"

"Fuck."

Mr. Hills ran hand through his gray hair. These students were going to kill him one day, he was sure of it. He let out an exasperated sigh and began to speak.

"Now, about that referral--"

Fortunately for Kyle, the bell rang, signaling the end of first period. All of the students jumped up and rushed out of the classroom, leaving a disgruntled Mr. Hills standing alone.

"ARGH!" he screamed, and began pulling out toughs of hair. Those goddamn students!

* * *

Butters ran through the hall, darting through students, as he tried to reach his next class before Kenny found him. Kenny had behaved himself during math class, but in about an hour he was acting weird again.

Butters glanced behind him, and wasn't surprised to see Kenny pushing students out of the way and running down the hall. Butters sped up, and was happy to realize that Language Arts was right past the janitor's closet. He sprinted past said closet, but was grabbed by the shirt. Kenny had reached him.

"Why were you running away, sweetie?" Kenny asked in a sickeningly sweet tone. Butters gulped.

"I, uh, I didn't w-want to be l-late…" he stammered. Kenny smiled fondly at him.

"Aw, don't worry about that. One tardy won't hurt you. Now pucker up." Kenny leaned in for a kiss, but Butters squealed and kicked him in the groin.

"Ugh," Kenny moaned, grabbing his crotch. Butters seized the opportunity and ran away, trying desperately to find a place to hide in the now-empty hallway.

* * *

Stan had no idea how it happened. He thought that the strange feeling of lust was gone. It hadn't bothered him during math, but as soon as the bell rang, something happened.

He had been walking down the hall with Kyle, and that feeling was there. His Adam's apple throbbed, and his penis felt hard. Not when he looked at any of the girls, just when he looked at Kyle. Kyle was talking about the near-referral he almost got. God! He couldn't stand it! He had grabbed Kyle's hand and pulled him into the janitor's closet.

And that's how they got here.

Stan and Kyle were sitting, half-naked, in the janitor's closet, basically just feeling each other up, when they heard someone running.

"K-kyle?" Stan started. Kyle looked up at Stan.

"Yeah, I heard it, too." Stan glanced at his friend/boyfriend, and they silently agreed to hide.

The janitor's closet was big, and they managed to squeeze behind a stack of spare mops, just as a thin blonde boy ran in and locked the door behind him.

'Why didn't we lock the door?' Stan thought to himself. 'Oh, that's right, we were kind of busy.'

As he looked closer, he realized it was Butters. 'What the Hell is Butters doing here?' Butters put his back to the door and slid down into a sitting position, a relieved sigh escaping his lips.

Almost immediately after, the door handle began to shake, and Kenny's voice was heard from the other side.

"Aw, c'mon, give me a break. Come out! Pleeeeaaaasssseee?"

Kyle cocked his head, clearly confused. Stan agreed, Kenny was indeed acting strange. Was he affected by the same sensation tormenting Kyle and him?

Butters squeaked and pushed his body weight against the door, trying to keep the horny blonde out.

"G-go away, Kenny. I d-don't wanna kiss you no more." The door stopped shaking, and a sob was heard from outside.

"W-what?" Kenny started. His voice was sad, and appeared as if he was crying. "D-don't you like me anymore/Hic/ W-what did I d-do wrong?"

Butters was startled. Kenny was crying? He didn't mean to hurt his feelings. Feeling sorry for Kenny, he opened the door, and started apologizing.

"Aw, gee Kenny, I d-didn't mean to hurt your feelings or nothing--Eek!"

Kenny smirked and grabbed Butters close to him. He instantly stopped crying. "Aw, I'm glad you love me again." He started planting kisses all over Butters face. "C'mon, let's go outside." Butters squirmed and tried jumping out of Kenny's arms.

"W-what? B-but I'm gonna be l-late for class! Kenny, let go!"

"Not now, not ever, my love," Kenny stated happily. Kenny then excited the scene, carrying Butters bridal-style out of the hallway and outside the school, to God knows where.

Kyle and Stan just stared, opened-mouth, wondering what the Hell just happened. Stan broke the silence.

"So, that solves the mystery of whether or not Kenny was affected by whatever is causing this." Kyle nodded his head.

"Uh-huh."

* * *

Craig's POV

I frown. I feel so…vulnerable. Why the fuck am I acting so strange? I didn't feel like this yesterday. I've never felt like this before. This new feeling I have is different, and weird, and…I like it. In some odd way, I enjoy being, well, in love with Tweek.

Actually, that was the most enjoyable ride to school I've ever had. It all felt so…right. Like Tweek and I were meant for each other. Have I always known this? Yes. But something brought my emotions to the surface. But what? Had I done anything strange lately? Christ, now I sound like some chick.

I start thinking about this, but I must appear to be daydreaming, because I hear a hand slam against my desk moments later.

"Craig! Where you daydreaming again?" asks my Language Arts teacher, Ms. Vihar.

So I do what any responsible student would do. I flip her off. Her face turns red with rage, and she starts screaming.

"DO NOT FLIP ME OFF, YOUNG MAN! GO TO THE SCHOOL COUNSALOR, _IMMEDIATELY_!"

So I get up and leave the classroom, but decide not to go to the counselor's office. I would rather skip school entirely.

As I'm walking down the hallway, I hear some voices. They don't sound like teacher's voices, so it's safe to see who's there. I look around the corner, and I see Kenny McKormick carrying a very confused Butters through the hall. They must be skipping too, but why is he carrying Butters? Freaks. I decide to ask them if they want to leave with me; if we both leave I'll have someone to hang out with.

"Hey guys!" I yell, jumping out from behind the corner. "Watcha doing to Butters? You guys getting married, or something?" I laugh at my joke. Kenny doesn't find this amusing.

"Don't joke about our love like that."

Butters eyes are wide as saucers, and he's twitching. Twitching. Like…Tweek. Tweek! I've gotta find Tweek!

"SooryKennyIhavetogobye," I mumble before sprinting off. The feeling is back, but I don't care. All I care about is finding my little Tweeky before someone else does.

* * *

Stan and Kyle had left the closet long ago, and were currently searching for Kenny. They didn't want him to do anything to Butters. They searched the hallways, empty classrooms, even the bathrooms--boys and girls (you never know with Kenny)--but still hadn't found him!

"Stan," Kyle started to say, "I think I know what's wrong."

Stan glanced at Kyle before replying, "Yeah, Kenny's gonna rape Butters." Kyle frowned. Stan was so stupid sometimes.

"No, I mean I think I know what's wrong with us." Stan stopped walking and gave Kyle his full attention.

"Really? What?" Kyle cleared his throat and started to explain.

"Well, remember the party on Saturday? The one at Cartman's house?" Stan nodded his head. "I was thinking that maybe Cartman did this to us; to everyone."

"What do you think he did?" asked Stan.

"I'm not sure, but I'll bet he did something. Maybe he drugged the food or something."

Stan frowned, and it was clear to Kyle that he wasn't believing this. "What's wrong, Stan?"

"I don't think that's what happened. Cartman's getting screwed by this, too. I'm sure he wouldn't have done this to himself," Stan explained, referring to the situation with Ike. "But something probably happened at the party. It just wasn't Cartman that did it."

"Then who? Who, besides Cartman, would fuck with people like this?" Kyle was confused.

"I don't know." Stan and Kyle were equally confused by now, and both were deep in thought. Kyle decided to voice his thoughts.

"Whoever it was must not like us very much." Stan nodded his head, but chose to remain silent. No one at South Park High didn't like Stanley Marsh. The same went for Kyle and Kenny. But Cartman was another story. If the perpetrator had a grudge against Cartman, that left about 98 of the school's population, and over half of the town.

Fuck.

* * *

Guesses on who is to blame are welcome! Review please! THANK YOU! 


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